Emotional Regulation: Perhaps the Most Essential Psychological Ability for a Fulfilling Life

Opening disclaimer: I do my best to base my content on research and include citations whenever possible. However, my writing also draws from my personal experience working with clients and watching how they grow and heal. Since my experiences are mostly subjective, I can’t guarantee they are always completely accurate. So, as an informed reader, it’s important not to accept what I or anyone else says without question. Instead, pay attention to how the information feels to you and ask yourself important questions like: Does this match my own life experience? Does it feel true to me? Is this aligned with what I believe is most important for my unique needs regarding health and well-being?

Introduction

In considering the question “what human qualities are most important for a fulfilling life,” surely people will give a wide range of answers. Perhaps one of the most common answers is: emotional intelligence. But I’m not going to give you that for my answer. Although, my answer is related: Under the umbrella of emotional intelligence, there are commonly five subcategories given: self-awareness, emotional regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. Through my years of experience as a psychotherapist in Berkeley, CA, it’s of my opinion that the ability to emotionally regulate is more essential than the other four, and is the most important psychological ability that people should strive to obtain or strengthen.

As I’ll explain in this post, I believe emotional regulation isn’t just the most important skill—it’s the foundational skill that enables the other four aspects of emotional intelligence to grow. I’ll then explain why emotional regulation is important for success and fulfillment in nearly every area of life, from relationships to work to personal growth.

In this post, I’ll begin by clarifying what I mean by emotional regulation. Then, I’ll provide my reasoning for the two above claims. Finally, I’ll help you assess your own ability to emotionally regulate, and offer guidance on ways to develop emotional regulation skills.

Clarifying the Term “Emotional Regulation”

The term emotional regulation can be vague and is often understood in different ways depending on who you ask. To clarify the concept, it helps to focus on its most basic and inarguable quality: emotional regulation is primarily a physiological process that takes place in the brain and body. When a human experiences a stress cue, the sympathetic nervous system activates the body’s “fight or flight” response, heightening arousal and emotional intensity. In contrast, the parasympathetic nervous system supports regulation by calming the body through “rest and digest” functions, helping restore balance and a sense of safety. In fact, there are neurological tests and biological markers that offer indirect insights into a person’s ability to regulate stress responses, though these are typically used in research rather than clinical practice.

In some ways, physiological regulation is a more accurate term than emotional regulation. However, the term emotional regulation remains useful because it acknowledges that humans are not passive recipients of physiological responses—we can actively influence our physiology using emotional and cognitive skills. This reflects the body–mind connection: how we use our minds directly affects how our brains and bodies function. This is especially true over time—our intentions, habits, and emotional skills can reshape our brain and body. It’s also true, to a lesser degree, in the short term: when we’re prepared for a certain reaction, our immediate intentions can influence what happens in our body.

For the rest of this post, I’ll use the term psychophysiological regulation to describe the combined influence of the mind, brain, and body in the regulation process.

Three more points about regulation: First, it’s important to recognize that psychophysiological dysregulation has a felt sense in the body. It usually feels uncomfortable and creates an urge to escape or avoid the trigger. This discomfort can appear in many forms—like physical pain, a racing heart, a tight throat, or a foggy, scattered mind.

Second, strong emotional regulation doesn’t mean avoiding or suppressing emotions. A rich, open, and fulfilling life naturally includes a wide range of emotional experiences—pleasant and unpleasant. That’s unavoidable, at least in my view, though others may disagree. Psychophysiological regulation means being able to feel emotions without getting overwhelmed, shutting down, or acting in ways that go against your values.

Third, it’s important to point out that this topic has a lot of social justice concerns wrapped up in it. People with lower levels of psychophysiological regulation face significant disadvantages. And to a large extent, a person’s ability to regulate isn’t a reflection of effort or achievement—it’s shaped by the environments and relationships they were exposed to while growing up.

Is Psychophysiological Regulation Truly the Most Essential Quality for a Fulfilling Life?

Let’s consider my claim that psychophysiological regulation forms the foundation for the other four components of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, motivation, empathy, and social skills. To clarify this idea, consider the following: When you’re feeling highly dysregulated or anxious, how much harder is it to access motivation—to push yourself toward difficult tasks—or to build self-awareness by examining your own blind spots? When your nervous system is overwhelmed, how much more difficult is it to remain empathic or try out new social behaviors?

Think of psychophysiological regulation like blood in the body: without it, all organs begin to fail. In the same way, without the ability to regulate our internal states, most of our life engagements—whether social, personal, or professional—are more likely to go poorly or feel unpleasant. And when interactions feel unpleasant or end badly, we naturally become reluctant to engage in them again. Whether it's a demanding work task or a personal goal, if we’re unable to stay regulated, we’re less likely to persist long enough to experience progress or build lasting competence.

The same principle applies in relationships. For most people, relationships bring both joys and difficulties. Some moments of connection feel effortless, while other moments trigger a desire to withdraw or shut down. Those with stronger psychophysiological regulation are better equipped to remain grounded and present—even in moments of conflict or discomfort. In all types of relationships—whether with friends, family, or romantic partners—the ability to stay regulated in the face of emotional intensity is a crucial advantage.

While psychophysiological regulation isn’t the only variable that contributes to success and fulfillment, it plays a central and enabling role. Without it, our capacity to engage meaningfully with life—and to grow through its challenges—is diminished.

How to Tell if You're Emotionally Dysregulated (via emotional regulation self-assessment tools)

It can be challenging to determine our individual ability to psychophysiologically regulate. This is partly because everyone experiences dysregulation from time to time. It's also because there are countless experiences that can offer us information about our ability to regulate, making a clear assessment complex. Below are some assessment tools that are available online. However, use them with caution. Without the support of a trained professional, it is easy to misinterpret the results you receive. The first one is considered empirically validated, and the second one is not.

DERS (Emotion Regulation Scale): https://novopsych.com/assessments/formulation/difficulties-in-emotion-regulation-scale/

Nervous System Quotient (NSQ) Self-Assessment: https://assessment.nsmastery.com/

Another useful method is to reflect on trends in your past relationships. Particularly look at past intimate relationships – they tend to be the place where we get the most data, since they are more commonly the place where we get direct feedback on our behaviors and emotional reactions. Here are some key points of reflection to get a sense of your ability to self-regulate:

Internal Awareness and Response

• When I feel overwhelmed, how quickly do I notice what’s happening in my body and mind?

• How do I typically respond to discomfort—do I shut down, lash out, distract myself, or stay present?

• How well can I pause before reacting when I'm triggered?

In Communication and Conflict

• When in a tense conversation, can I stay grounded and listen without interrupting or defending?

• Am I able to express my needs or emotions clearly without becoming aggressive, passive, or avoidant?

• Can I take responsibility for my emotional reactions without blaming others?

At Work or During Challenging Tasks

• When I face frustration or failure at work, how do I respond internally and externally?

• Can I stay focused and productive even when I feel anxious or under pressure?

• Do I procrastinate when I feel stressed, or am I able to move into action?

In Solitude and Unstructured Time

• What happens to my emotional state when I’m alone or bored?

• Can I regulate myself without external input (like scrolling, eating, or distracting)?

• Do I avoid silence or stillness, or am I able to find calm there?

Patterns and Recovery

• How long does it usually take me to recover from emotional disruption?

• Are there consistent triggers where I lose regulation? What are they?

• How much effort do I put into learning or practicing emotional self-regulation skills?

How to Improve Psychophysiological Regulation

This is a huge topic, and it will be addressed in part by future blog posts. For this post, I’ll give a brief outline of research-backed ways to improve emotional regulation in adults. I’ll write them in order of least to most psychological ‘start-up cost’ required.

• Exercise: Aerobic exercise—like running, swimming, or cycling—has been shown to increase vagal tone, a marker of how well the nervous system supports calm, recovery, and resilience. Higher vagal tone reflects greater heart rate variability (HRV), a kind of internal agility that helps the body navigate stress with more flexibility. By strengthening the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system, regular aerobic movement helps the body exit fight-or-flight mode more fluidly and settle into a state of equilibrium. Over time, this physiological shift can translate into steadier moods, quicker emotional recovery, and a greater capacity to meet life’s challenges with balance and clarity.

• Emotional regulation nervous system exercises: There are a lot of categories under this umbrella, and some are backed by scientific research. Mindfulness and meditation, heart rate variability biofeedback, and controlled breathwork all are considered scientifically valid. Other less studied categories include cold exposure, chanting, TRE (Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises), and Somatic Experiencing.

• Self-guided exposure exercises: For most people, it is not recommended to try this technique without guidance from a trained therapist. However, for folks out there that are very organized and self-motivated, you can certainly get started with some of this on your own. The basic idea here is that fears tend to reduce when we face them fully. By choosing fears we want to overcome, and setting up sequential real-world exposure steps, we can effectively overcome them. You can learn more by searching the web with the keywords “real world exposure.”

• While exposure can reduce fear responses in many cases, especially with phobias or anxiety disorders, it's not always appropriate—particularly when trauma is involved. For these cases, support from a professional is strongly recommended.

• Therapy for Emotional Regulation: When we’re honest with ourselves, it becomes clear that we all have many ways we can improve ourselves—enough to spend a lifetime exploring each one in detail. For some people, it can be helpful and healing to talk through their various stressors, difficulties, and past wounds. While talking through challenges can be healing, psychotherapy that specifically targets emotional regulation capacity—may offer deeper, more sustainable shifts.

  As discussed throughout this blog post, many of our life struggles are deeply connected to our ability—or inability—to regulate our internal state. And when we improve our capacity for regulation, many of those struggles begin to shift as well.

  There’s much more to say on the topic of psychotherapy and its role in improving psychophysiological regulation. I’ll explore the topic more in future blog posts. For now, I’ll simply mention a few of the more well-known psychotherapy approaches that focus on enhancing this capacity: AEDP, EMDR, ERP, IFS, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, and Somatic Experiencing.

If you’re looking for regulation focused therapy in Berkeley or anywhere in California, feel free to reach out. I offer IFS Therapy and EMDR Therapy online throughout California.

Conclusion

Strong emotional regulation is a foundational ability that supports nearly every aspect of our lives, from personal growth and relationships to work and daily challenges. It enables us to engage more effectively and resiliently with life’s demands, helping us stay present, motivated, and connected even in difficult moments. While it’s not the only factor in fulfillment, it is essential for strengthening other emotional intelligence skills and for navigating life with greater ease and balance. By developing this core capacity, we create a stable foundation for lasting success and well-being across all areas of life.

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